It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and yes I’m awake

I loathe being up this early in the morning. It’s far too reminiscent of the horrible days when I had to get up and be at work at 6:30 a half hour away. Ugh. But I’m awake. I fell asleep around 10 last night due to extreme fatigue and it’s been 7 hours so my body isn’t still so conked that I fell asleep immediately (or at all) since recognizing this. So, yeah, I’m just a touch on the side of grumble at the moment.

So, it turns out that I suffer from wanderlust and agoraphobia by turns. Yes, I’m a homebody who can’t stay home. Or rather, I’m a freespirit who doesn’t like to go out in public. An acquaintance recently described me as free-spirited. It was a nice way of saying that I’m flaky. I’m ok with that. It’s true. I am a flake. I’m going to write this right here right now though: just because I’m flaky doesn’t mean that I stop caring about the people who are important to me. It just means that I get distracted and don’t call or write nearly as often as I should. This goes for my blog as well. I love you all in a love-thy-neighbor kind of way. Sorry, let me get my Christianity back in check here…

I have dreams about not hearing traffic the next place I live. Just birds and insects. I wouldn’t mind the occasional dog barking or wolf howling but I really don’t want to hear the cars on the highway anymore. There’s no void in nature, and it seems like all they do is drive all over all the other things I could be hearing. If through some twist of fate I do end up staying in this vicinity, I’m planting quaking aspens so at least I’m hearing the wind in the leaves rather than trucks downshifting.

Is it strange to want to be both integrally involved in the world and also totally ostracized from it? Is it strange to wonder if you’re strange? Am I strange?

2 responses to “It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and yes I’m awake

  1. First:

    Now that that’s out of the way, answers:

    1. I contend that simultaneous drives for inclusion and exclusion are not only not strange, they are fundamental. Claims that anyone is missing one of these should be approached with skepticism. This is a topic I’ll go on about for paragraphs, if you’ll let me.

    2. You’re not the only one who wonders if they’re strange. These are the dreams Modernist literatures are made of.

    3. You are a unique and inimitable snowflake, just like everybody else.

  2. Wow. That was so stream of consciousness. It’s like it was written in 1920. Don’t worry, I’m back to my old hyper-organized and manic self.

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